Poem: Struggle

Poem: Struggle

Alexander Maxwell

 

It was cold and hot and wet and dry
I was sad and happy and angry
When I began my fight
A revolution fought
Deep down inside me
No cannons or guns
Just a battle to be free
My ego against me
It wanted to be king
Desired fame and to be wealthy
Admiration from others
Be heard and felt
It was strong and dark
I wanted to understand
Every time I struggled
For the light
I could not see

It tugged me down
Depressing and suppressing
False pride weighed heavy
Expressing wrathful envy
Inside me, greed
Against others for disobeying
The orders it desired for me
Many false banners hung
Revenge hidden below vices
Treacherous guilt lay siege
Shoving me to and fro
Yelling and pleading
My stage show, for money
Strength and need
Battering my imagination
The mirror lied and deceived
Telling me I was not, good enough
Handsome and brave
A prince charming
Or the chosen breed

I fought hard, did good deeds
Even though it cursed,
‘They wouldn’t do it for you’
I replied to my ego,
‘I’m not doing it for them,
But for me’
It laughed and cried,
‘You’re a selfish, bastaad,
You just like me’
The ego would repeat
Guilt and disbelief, I felt weak
Even when I did good
Badness was right next to me
Made me feel weak
Dropping me to my knees

Others laughed at my good deeds
A chorus of deceit,
‘You weak’ echoing my ego
Confusing me path
I fought them bravely
Their drums and bells
Rattled my knees
My ego laughed and ignored me
In this time of need
It was only silent in chaos
A tug of war, between it and me
Good against bad or bad against good
I could not see, selling my weakness
To follow the crowd, the majority
Clubbing and thumping
And stabbing deep into my heart
I cried, it laughed, I screamed
Every good deed, was repaid
Not in money or fame
But like a knife, sunk deep
Between the blades, the ego
Each blow did piece
The darkness
More light would shine
A thousand or million tiny stars
Shone down through the dark
The coat of menace
Slicing away the tenants
Wrapped tightly
Around my soul
My heart wound clenched
By a ball of cord
Everyone stretched, connected
A bad deed

The snapping, raced off
Burning in the bright
Light of goodness, let in
My heart grew softer
My thoughts grew deeper
I was not selfish
I was a fighter
Standing alone is much, much
Braver, than casting a cowardly stone
To not be alone
Follow the wicked lead
Freedom was in sight
But still I was not free
At least I could now think
Less of me, the selfish ego
Who hard tricked me to believe?
I was the devil and not he
If I did a good deed
That rascal who bound me
In fear and ignorance

No more did I care
To be liked by the crowd
As long as I loved me, the one
Who bathed in warm sunlight
Of silence
Not searching for gratification
Or a pat on the back
For every response, a reward
The revolution carries on
I am not strong, but weak
Only in the eyes of deceit
But in the eyes of kindness
I have defeated the ego
Of greed and need
Inside me

 
Copyright Alexander Maxwell 2014

Alexander Maxwell